Woow… 2021, finally the year has come when I actually do not have to look for a timetable or for my lost books or to recall what the lecturer said in the last class. It is an interesting year since even Facebook told me that I left the University as if I needed to be reminded. Facebook was like “You left Murang’a University.” Thank you Facebook, it is not like I sleepwalked out of campus, but am grateful for the reminder.
Although I did not like what facebook was reminding me, I must admit that what it said was the truth. I am not in any kind of denial, am actually excited about the whole experience. I must also admit that in as much as I usually have an answer to where I see myself in five or ten years time, these years always seemed so far, so much far that they would never actually come. Jokes on me. The future that was far away is now here with me, looking at me and asking, “now what?”
The other interesting thing about this year is that although people are not saying it, they expect you to have a direction for your life. They know you know where you are headed and what you want to do with yourself. There is actually no teacher or lecturer or even parent to tell you that the move you are about to make is a wrong one. There is no one to tell you what to do and I have been craving this freedom for the longest time. But what is freedom anyway, it is not as it seemed to be when I was in highschool. Freedom is costly, freedom doesn’t leave out room for consequences, freedom is accountability and responsibility in disguise.
Freedom revolved around the lines of dating, curfews, dresscode and more petty things as such when I was in highschool. Now that I am “free,” I actually do not think I am free to date whoever I want, I actually do not want to date for the sake of it. For every outfit I choose or date I go to, I sort of feel like my future kids are asking if that man is the best daddy I could get them; I know it is crazy. Every time I choose an outfit, there’s the voice in me that asks if that outfit would bring glory to God. And every time I think of extending my stay at a place or go home quite late, there are questions of whether it is even worth it.
Truth be told, I never saw 2021 ever coming, of course I had written in my vision book that I would want to be married in 2022, and there is no 2022 without 2021. Nevertheless, I must say that freedom never looked costly in my life. That I am free to choose, but am I willing to be responsible for the actions that emanate? Am I willing to stay true to the choice I make including the consequences? Am I willing to stand before an audince and actually unashamed say that I am proud of the choice that I made?
Time has taught me that adulting is not a one-time event,it is a process. The journey began when I was born and it has been gradual. From when mum said that I am no longer fit to be breast feeding to when my campus said that I am no longer fit to be an undergrad. There were in-between moments when the people around me kept on saying, “you’re a big girl now.” It was an acknowledgement as well as an added responsibility. You are now a big girl, you should not be crying or you are now a big girl and so you are supposed to come even earlier to school or you should not be doing such and such stuff. These were the small milestones that resulted to the world finally teling me “you are now a big girl, do whatever you want.” This statement looks like a harmless cookie, but I am no fool, I know there are even more responsibilities as well as bigger consequences.
So now I understand why most people are slower in making choices as they grow older, they know that the consequences will be on their shoulders and they want the pros/cons before choosing. It is not that they are indecisive, no. Let’s be patient with people as they take time to choose what they will be comfortable to stand for in the future. I have learnt to respect that about people.
I have also learnt to respect the gut feeling. That “thing” in you that tells you something is not quite okay about something. I have ignored my gut feeling for a while now and paid the full price to actually know that my gut is one thing am going to be keen on. It is some sort of a nudge towards the right direction that God placed on humans. God new that there would be an ocean of choices to choose from and so He gave us the gut feeling.
In the thrill of being free and the facade of thinking that “it’s my life”, In the flames and urges that my flesh might actually pull me towards so that I end up saying “yes” to anyone available, in the excitement of being told “wewe ni yule msee,” by my peers, I pray that I may not forget that freedom is a facade. That there is actually nothing like freedom. I pray that I might remember that there is one with whom I will always have to give an account to, and that is God. That He is always calling me towards the right directions, that in the chaos of life He has given me a lighthouse.
A lighthouse. Oh, how we always take it lightly until our lives really depend on it. You will never know the benefit of a lighthouse unless you’re drowning or you’ve found yourself in uncharted waters. I know we find ourselves in such waters more often than ever these days, at least I have. When the burden of deciding and choosing numbs you to the point that you cant make a single step towards any direction, there is a lighthouse. When the expections from people that matter cripple your creative, there is a lighthouse. When life feels like it wants to drown you, there is a lighthouse.
The assurance of my lighthouse is the promise that God gives in Isaiah 30:21 “ Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it, ” whenever you turn to the right or to the left.” This very verse calms every storm of “what ifs” that might be trying to drown me in my quest of making the best out of the freedom. I will not walk in the fear of making the wrong choices because I have learnt that we always gravitate towards what we fear. I will walk fearlessly in 2021, not recklessly but fearless. I will be patient enough in analyzing an issue before choosing but I would not allow fear to numb me to the point that I can’t even decide. I will walk boldly, not tiptoe because I know that there’s a bunch of people out here walking with shoulders high who don’t have the slightest idea of what in God’s green world (misery loves company, haha). Not that they are hypocrites but they have come to terms with the fact that they neccessarily don’t have to know every detail of a matter in order to make a move. They have been freed by that fact, that the choices the make at times would be the worst, but they might also be the very best, but the will never know for some until they choose.
So, Yeah, to the Big Girls and also Big Boys out there, it is my prayer that we get to a point of fully connecting to that lighthouse inside us. It is my prayer that we get to a point of letting God direct us in the uncharted waters, I pray that we will get to know that freedom isn’t free, that we will give an account and so let us live worthy lives.
Happy New Year.