“When push comes to shove, I will get married, quit my job and have the man take care of me,” I do not know if it was a meme I saw or if I heard a lady say this statement.
I love matatu conversations. They are very authentic. You know you meet with someone you are sure you will never meet again, so you choose to let it all out. You decide to tell your seatmate your ordeal, or they choose to give their share as you listen.
This is exactly how my friend met Peris. In my friend’s words, Peris was a beautiful woman; petite, very bubbly and easygoing. This is how the story goes.
“How do you like that club that we have just passed,” Peris asked rather randomly.
“Uhm, oh, you mean that one?” asked my friend, stunned because she did not know if Peris was speaking to her.
“Yeah, that one.”
“Well, I think that it is a beautiful one, I guess. Why, what do you think?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.”
“Time has made me see things in a whole new different perspective.”
“I think time does that to many,” said my friend
“I just laugh at how naïve I was some decades ago,”
“Can you imagine I dropped out of school to get married.” Peris said with a sarcastic laugh.
“The things we do for love, Urgh.”
“Okay, that is really interesting, tell me more.” my friend showed interest.
“I got married to the love of my life when I was a teenager because I never thought that anything else made sense other than being his wife.” Peris started as if she was dying to tell the story.
“I left my father’s house in the wee hours of the night and went on to make a home with him. We have done well for ourselves by the grace of God.”
“I cannot in truth say that it was our efforts that brought us here but only by the grace if God.”
“Anyways, two years ago, my husband told me that he wanted us to separate.”
“He told me that at the position and place he was in, he wanted a graduate at least. He said that he did not feel as if I was challenging him enough.”
“My man wanted a challenge; thus, he looked for exactly that,” Peris said, laughing.
“I could not go back to school because other responsibilities needed my attention. So he left me.”
“My husband of more than a decade and a half left me because I was not a graduate.”
“A friend of mine was told by her husband that he cheated because she was not fun anymore.”
“Am telling you that you can be left for any reason, even for being too good. I heard it on radio, that the man was leaving his wife because she was too good.”
“I know I sound bitter and resentful, but I am not. I cried and dried my tears in the first months after hearing the madness coming from his mouth. I am currently doing well.”
“I almost broke down trying to beg him to stay. I begged and pleaded with him to stay because of the kids.”
“My dear I had no money, even in the bank account. I did not concern myself with the finances as it was the man’s job.”
“This man called my husband provided me with everything and when he left I was more devasted because I knew financially I needed him.” Peris said seriously.
My friend alighted before Peris could tell her more, but she got something, and I am glad she shared.
What Am I saying about Marriage
I will get to what I am saying quickly but allow me to connect the story of Peris with another one a colleague told me after she offered me a lift.
“Charity, a woman’s money is sweet no matter how little. Do not be someone who always stretches her hand out for help to a man. If he brings the bacon home, at least have your two cents that will buy the salt to tenderize it. He cannot forget to buy sugar, and you start calling him to send you 50 bob to buy sugar.”
“No matter how much that man loves you, he will get to a point that he will look at you as some pumpkin in the house.”
After the Love, he will remember that rent has to be paid, and you are here asking for money to upgrade your phone.
“Imagine, a girl I knew quit her job immediately after she got married?” she continued to narrate.
“The girl told me that since she was becoming a wife, she wanted to put all the attention into the new thing that she was building and thus did not want the distraction.”
“Also, she wanted to focus on getting kids immediately and was not ready to have someone else take care of her children.” She said, looking at me intently.
“Charity, you mean you will be paying for your HELB and you did not even utilize what you went to school to do?” she asked.
“The lady got pregnant, but she lost the baby,”
“Two weeks after losing the baby, the husband felt the pinch of having to buy everything in the house. He outrightly told his wife that she has to go and look for money like other women.”
“Charity, the man was harsh, but I concur with him.” But issues with finances are very critical.
Do not Quit Your Job/school/Career to be “kept.”
The word “kept” sounds so well in my mother tongue. I have never planned a wedding before because I am not married, but I have equally done projects that were as demanding. You cannot quit your job to plan a wedding.
That is just reckless. If you are in school or are supposed to go to school, please go to school, the man will wait for you if you are that important, and if not, you will attend his wedding with someone else, for crying out loud_ and that is equally okay.
The economy now demands that two people do something to bring home the bacon. Your little money can cater for house expenses as his “big” money handles investments to leave to your kids. We cannot, not leave something for our kids. That culture ought to stop.
Proverbs 13:22 “A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, But the wealth of a sinner is stored up for the righteous.
In addition, with the Black tax, you cannot expect one income to cater for both your parents. And by the way, do you honestly want to be asking him even for the 1k your mum borrowed to buy a new set of seat covers? I am not disputing that your parents are his as well, lakini surely.
I am learning that the workplace, or going out, is therapeutic. Do you imagine staying in the house indoors, waiting for someone who has been working from 8 O’clock to tell him story za ploti? You have 1k stories to tell, but the poor man only wants to sleep because he has an early morning.
Let us also talk about the kids. I know pregnancy complications sometimes require one to stay at home for the baby’s safety. I am not speaking about those. I am speaking of those who realize they are three weeks pregnant and quit their jobs because they cannot handle it.
Surely, I am not taking you back here, lakini kwani; how did our mothers do it?
You are entitled to a three months maternity leave; if you plan yourself well, you can wean your baby for three months and go back to work. I hear this comes with guilt because you are leaving an infant, but such is life.
It would be sad to quit your work for a baby who will be independent after two years or a husband who comes home at 10 pm and leaves at 6 am to beat the traffic jam of the CBD.
You are left with a whole day playing out scenarios about how you will invent drama.
If the job is demanding, you can look for better terms. I believe
If you can, keep your friends.
Girl, in as much as you would want to make your new family your world, which in truth is, try to keep a friend or two. At least with them, you can have an outlet. With them, you are able not to lose yourself in the transition. If they are unmarried and you feel they cannot relate to your current condition, then try to find friends that are married.
Rarely will you see men losing their friends? They keep them even after marriage. If you keep your friends, you will not be resentful when he tells you he will go out with the boys. At least you can use that time to catch up with your girls.
You might be a couple, but there is an individual call regardless.
Do not lose your person. Identify what solution you have been called to fulfil, and start it.
Start small, start slow, start crawling but let there be progress no matter how minute. It will be sad to see your partner realize his purpose while you are there, regretting what you felt you were led to do but never did.
Find you, find what makes you tick and follow that so hard and boldly.
I know there will come times of compromise, and if you align with the Lord, He will show you the way. The Bible calls Him the light to our paths and the lamp to our feet, meaning that he has our immediate and future solutions.