In the hilly parts of Murang’a where the Agikuyu community is said to have originated, there isn’t much land. Their origin story goes something like this, a man by the name Gikuyu had a wife by the name Mumbi. The couple was blessed with nine daughters; from these nine daughters the tribe came to existence. There are a lot of gaps in this story but we dare not ask; like how did these daughters get children and stuff like that. We also do not know where Gikuyu and Mumbi came from but we are given this story and we are happy to share it to our children and their children.
Tethering. As we can see, these hilly parts of Kenya can be called the indigenous roots of the Agikuyu community. Thus, we can safely say that the place became clustered very fast making the Agikuyu people now spread to other parts of the country.
Therefore, hardly will you find an empty parcel of land in Murang’a allowing someone to practice tethering on a large scale. The Murang’a people usually practice zero grazing. This is because, the land is limited as well as the pastures. Zero grazing is “economical for them.”
In other parts of the country where there are large parcels of land, the settlers have the luxury of parading their cattle on their land and have them graze. This is what we refer to as tethering_ the animal is tied to a pole in the field to graze within the stipulated circumference. Once the animal is through with grazing at that particular circumference, then it is tied to another portion of land and the process continues.
The interesting thing about this kind grazing is the fact that the animal has a false sense of freedom while in real sense it is bound. As long as the animal is within the stipulated circumference, there will be that sense of freedom; it realizes it is not free once it goes beyond the radius of the rope and the grip of the rope starts causing its foot to have a blister.
In tethering also, the animal does has a false sense of movement and since it is looking down to feed on the pasture, it never really knows the things going on in its surrounding. It only looks up when the pasture is finished and wants to be taken to another spot. They are animals, we forgive them, but the sad thing is that even in this time and age, tethering is realer in human being than we might like to admit.
Tethering in Modern Day Relationships
In relationships, this is how tethering looks like: you find someone whom you connect with on all angles possible. Either of you has stated his/her intentions to the other person and the other person does not seem to have a problem with the intentions, but then there is a but_ either party is not ready to move to the next level_ to commit.
Well, if we left it at that_ that the party that is not ready to go to the next level lets the other one goes, then it would be safe to leave the story at that. However, this is hardly the case because the same person that does not want to move forward to the next level also does not want to let go of this person and allow them to get there emotions invested elsewhere. Emotions are damned I swear. That is tethering. Someone wanting you and not wanting you at the same time, is 100% tethering.
Are you guilty of tethering to start with?
Or are you a victim of the same?
If you ask me there is really no victim in this arrangement. Of course, the one being “tethered” might go on and claim that they are the victims of the relationship, but when you look at it really, it takes two to tango. No one has held a cane forcing you to remain with them even if their terms are skewed. You play the victim yet you enjoy the bitter-sweet “pastures” that come with it.
Different Shades of Tethering
The sad reality with tethering in relationships is that no one goes anywhere; the one tethering and the one being tethered. The one tethering might actually think he is free because he/she has not committed but just because you have not verbally committed to something does not make you immune to being invested. It is a cyclic form of arrangement that gives you two a sense of freedom and moving forward only for one of you to open their eyes one day and realize that nothing has changed apart from the time, 3 years, or even more. You wake up one day and realize you are in the same place still seeking clarity for the same questions.
Unlike with animals. Tethering in human beings is very interesting. We have a gut feeling within us that tells us onset that this is wasting your time, but we wait to see how much time really will be wasted. You see, there’s that red devil and white angel on either of your shoulders bringing up good points but the points you consider to pick are the wrong ones…
The angel on one shoulder of course is still in Eutopia believing in the good of everyone, then the red devil playing the devil’s advocate and asking you to run, Murife run.
Give her time, she will change; she does not mean it that way; she likes you, not your money; he will marry you, its just not the right time. Haha, four years later, he meets a girl, dates for six months and marries her, does to her everything he kept telling you that, that is not his thing, oh dear cow, how much free milk do you want to offer until you have called it quits.
Subtlety of Tethering
Tethering is also subtle; you never really know if someone is mark timing you. Since you are always looking down and searching for every word in the dictionary to defend what you are doing or even trying to explain to yourself that that is not what they mean; there is no one bold enough to tell you that someone is mishandling you.
Have you ever heard yourself explain the silly excuses you have been taking thus far, like honestly? Have you ever just locked yourself in the house and spoke out those excuses? Try it sometime, you will know who the fool is (not the victim, you are not the victim, you are the fool.)
How to know you’re in the Loop
You are being tethered, if the energy you are giving does not match to the other person’s. If you feel like you have to much love to give, sorry to say but just look for a pet haha. Do not give energy where it is not reciprocated. This will save you from being resentful to the other person. It will also help you to stop categorizing all women as gold diggers and men as, you know what.
You are being tethered if you are too available for someone who is not available for you; you have not talked to a guy/lady for months and suddenly they have an emergency and you are only too ready to “give yourself away” to answer to their whims. That back and forth is tethering whatever you may want to call it. Someone, ghosts you for months then takes you to a posh place for a date as a make up plan, that is tethering. Young man, you are being tethered if the lady only remembers you when she needs a small favor from you. You are not a bank or a Sacco, please.
You are being tethering lady or gentleman when the person you give your all to makes a joke about the person that will marry you… Hehe… you are catering for someone’s expenses and have clearly stated your intentions and she unashamedly blurts out that your wife will be lucky… hehe. Sorry man.
Defrauding is real and most times, we actually want to be defrauded a little, maybe. Until you call yourself out and ask the hard questions, you will help someone wait on their wives or husbands. Hehe. You will find yourself in a wedding WhatsApp group and the title will not be your name. Do not settle for crumbs. The grass is greener elsewhere, literally and figuratively. You are not under anyone’s mercy.
Tethering as a rite of passage
I tend to think that tethering or being tethered is a rite of passage of some sort. We have been tethered and are also guilty of tethering some people; you know, am sorry to say this but, most of us are guilty of having a plan B person, a fallback plan of sorts. You know; they are good, and kind, and would actually in all honesty make a good husband and father your kids very well, but you keep them aside in a safe undefined place as you try kissing all the “frogs” in the swamp. You keep your plan B busy with inconsistent conversations, ambiguous discussions and gray areas as you try to make some other “deals ziivane.”
People that tether other people thrive in ambiguity, saying something but not saying it. If it is only sparking confusion, and hurt and pain, if there is not people in the conversation. If you can’t quite say for sure what it is, then it is tethering.
Lady, you make an excuse of not having tied the guy, because you have not stopped him from seeing anyone. Why then do you then call him in the middle of the night sharing information that is above his “pay grade”, relationship wise, surely madam? You have let him go but have you really? Why don’t you settle scores with, “he is fine okay, but he is not for me and I will not defraud him emotionally or any other way?”
If you are tethering someone, you are downright selfish. You have trust issues with God. If you believe there is a but with a person, let them go and let God work on you. Allow God to bring you someone with whom there won’t be any shadow of a doubt. You can only get that when you completely and honestly let go of what you know in your heart is not for you.
Anyway, the person that tethers never really leaves his “victim.” That is what I learned from the tethered cows. The cow never has a say on when it will be free; but you are not a cow. If you are being tethered, only you call the shots, wake up and run.
Only you can define when to quit
If you feel like someone is tethering you and defrauding you, you owe it to yourself to walk out. Stop hurting yourself in the quest of saving other people that do not even know your third name. Stop being addicted with falling in love with potential. Accept that it is just that, potential and move one.
Stop convincing yourself that your love will change them; the love of Jesus as great as it was is yet to change some people. You owe it to yourself to cut the imaginary chord that you think binds you together. You owe it to yourself to allow that relationship to die a natural death. I might ask you not to cry, but if you have to then do. Cutting this “chord” might take time, it might feel like betrayal and other things, it might feel like it will never happen, but don’t underestimate intentionality.
Where there is a will there is a way. Don’t settle for crumbs.