You wake up one day and everything feels different. You cannot for sure say what the issue is but you know that something is amiss. It is those days when you actually do not feel like doing anything. You remember it is a weekday and it is not a holiday so you just have to drag yourself to the shower. Urgh, the heater of the shower just decided to spoil so it is cold water for you because when you had money you weighed between buying pizza and an electric heater and you settled for the pizza, YOLO. Welcome to the story of adults. It’s all things happening all at once, you just have to learn to love it.
Angie’s Marriage is Cooked
So back to Angie; I must say Angie has been on my mind the whole week because, I too knew as much as I shared the previous week. I knew that what the man said is that he needed time; He wanted Angie out of his house because he needed some time out. He assumed that Angie and the child were the lighter ones and concluded that they should leave.
I asked my guy friend, let’s call him Allan (I love the name Allan for him) about Angie. I was really interested in knowing how far they were with sorting out the issue. He said that the lady was told to go back to her parents and that the husband will come for her soon. The man has blocked her on all platforms as he feels like she is being a bother to him.
In addition, the husband is not supporting her with child care. In frustration, he told the lady that she could as well take the child to an orphanage if she cannot take care of her. On a side note, sometimes I understand why a single mother sometimes cries when a son or daughter demands to see their father. It hurts them because words might have been exchanged and those words might still be fresh in her heart and she wonders why would you even want to speak to that man. Sorry, I digress. But you get my point.
Angie is lost, she does not know what she did wrong, the man did not even give her the courtesy of telling her what her fault was. Currently, she tries to ask the man’s friends if they have spoken to him, but none has. No one cares to talk to the man or even ask him why he separated from his wife. Allan told me that men have their code:
Men and their tendencies
“You see we do not ask men about their business, unless they want to talk about it. “
“So, you won’t even bring it up over a drink or something like that?” I asked shocked knowing how I nag my girlfriends when I want to know what is up with them. Sometimes I don’t even nag, they are just too willing to share.
“No, we do not do that. We usually wait until he is willing to share and if he does not bring up the issue, we will never bring it up. “
“So what use are you as a friend if the wife cannot approach you to go and speak to her husband on her behalf. Is this even friendship?” I asked getting very irritated. “I sort of feel like you are to blame for the choice that the man made, you told him to send the wife home and he did. According to me that means that he respects your advice, why don’t you advise him. “
“I cannot give advice that has not been asked of me. I think the husband needs some time to think about stuff. The problem with you ladies is that you cannot even allow a man time to think. When you want an answer, you want it at that particular time.” Allan retorted.
“Lemme explain to you, we are wired very differently. Most of times we do not solve issues immediately as they come. We often compartmentalize them, we give them time and think carefully about them. The man had thought carefully about sending his wife home, whether or not he will go back for her will also take some time.“
“In addition, what the husband is accusing Angie of is true. That girl is dirty, she honestly stinks.” Allan said with disgust.
“Can you imagine, she came to my house sometime back and did not change her black T-shirt for three days. The girl did not shower, I swear. He continued.
“But how do you know? You were at work.”I asked.
“I asked my sister and she told me that Angie showered the day she left. “he said. Surely, how can you even eat her food? The girl had breast milk maps all over her t-shirt. Sorry, to say but she did not even care that she was not in her husband’s house, she never wore any bra. It was disgusting.”
“So, it is her fault that her marriage is a mess?” I asked angrily.
What Allan says men want
“Yes, it is her fault. Alijiachilia. She became too familiar with the husband. Sifa, I like you and this is why I will give you this advice for free, do not ever become too familiar with your husband.” He was now speaking with a serious tone
“What do you mean becoming too familiar, should I now start fearing him?” I asked in jest.
“No, not that. That is not what I mean. I mean do not forget that your husband chose you for a reason, he left all others for you, for a reason. That reason might be very vain according to you, you might even take him to be very shallow. But in all honesty if you do not guard that which he loved you for, then your marriage is in crisis.”
Men are Men
“Well, I am born again, I do not think a christian man can be that shallow.”I sneered.
“Wueh, young lady. I do not know Christianity. I know men. I am a man and I know my species. You would do well to ask a man what he loved about you. Guard that thing jealously. Just leave the empty Western talk, why do you think the divorce rate is high in the West. No, let’s even bring it closer home, I hear nowadays even Christians are outdoing us when it comes to divorce. You guys are divorcing faster than someone could say potato. Why do you think that is happening in your tent. Because you guys are in a eutopia.”
Virginity is good, But Character is everything
“Other men are even leaving your fold and hoping to change someone from the world because you guys are arrogant. You think that just because the man found you virgin, he will overlook your sloppiness. You can only use the virgin card for too long then we go to the next thing; are you a wife?” Allan asked.
I was now mumbling; he was making sense. I wanted to have a comeback but I did not. I just knew that the things he was saying required attention. It was not a matter of whether he was right or wrong. It didn’t even matter that I felt like he was actually insulting me. He was right. “si pole, kwani mimi ni Angie?” I asked him rolling my eyes.
“Hapana, by the way. Lakini, I know Tom is messed up and karma will deal with him in days to come. The fool even sent Angie’s clothes as a parcel. He sent everything including her toothbrush and leso. He told her that he needs time; something close to a year to figure out if he wants her back. In other words, no man does this, unless there are other things that Angie did which he did not tell me_ and I cannot ask. Let’s just say that he was not ready for marriage” Allan said angrily. “He messed up Angie’s life in the process.”
“Angie was a campus student. Maybe kitu twenty. She was living with her aunt. Tom does laundry business (could explain why the stink disturbs him), that is where they met; Angie’s aunt used to send Angie to take her blankets and duvets there to be washed. Her aunt did not like Tom and I think she had warned her of him. When Angie was warned about the guy, she moved in with him. How do you ladies think aki with all due respect?” he asked genuinely.
Love could be everything in a perfect world
“Well, we are believers, we believe in changing men. We believe that by loving them, they would change. We believe in love.” I said sarcastically.
“That is stupid, love might be the last thing that a man thinks about when they choose to marry you. We are logical. Am not disputing the fact that we fall in love and do crazy stuff during that euphoric period but it does not last. We need to see you using your head.” Allan said.
“But you guys are also petty if you ask me. How does the guy expect the girl to maintain the weight she had before children. There is baby fat, and of course her bust will be big.” I asked
“Ideally, that is what we want and we understand that there are some women who would not get that body or weight back, and we do not expect it. But the bare minimum should be, at least be clean and presentable.” Allan was now getting exhausted with the back and forth and left me at my desk wondering.
Marry a Kind Man, Please.
I was left thinking about that young girl. The issue is not that she did not listen to her aunt; most of our mothers did not listen to their aunts and here we are years later. Some of our mothers were sent to the shop to buy maize flour and they never came back home, they eloped with our fathers. We thank God that they did elope, because if they did not elope then maybe now you would be in CBC.
I cannot even say that their short-term dating was the issue, we know some parents that dated for two weeks and got married and right now they are three decades in and loving each other. So in other words, there is no right way as such.
However, these three remain from the lessons I have learnt from Angie. Please, woman, be clean, at least. Also please marry a kind man; when your love is tried at least the man will be kind enough, with his words and actions. Lastly, know for sure what the man chooses you for; if the thing is vanity and unsustainable, I do not want to ask you to run but pray for wisdom.