I have a tendency of writing on any page in my diary, I only write the date of my entry and then start of.
Yesterday as I scrolled through the random pages in order settle on an empty page to write on, I stopped at a page dated 28/12/18 that’s exactly one year ago as per yesterday’s date. I had gone for a prayer retreat of three days seeking the Lord on some issues and I had clearly written a couple of prayer items that I needed the Lord to answer in the coming year. Those items were about ten in number.
Truth be told one year later, those prayer items look at me as if in mockery; nothing had been answered. I literally sat on my bed and cried. I cried because I was disappointed, I cried because here was another year approaching and yet the very things that I wanted done were not even done,I cried because I felt I deserved to have those things; I had placed an order.
Is there any need of writing it down on paper, why do I have to put it down on paper really only for them to serve as reminders that nothing happened.
As most preachers will tell us on the eve of new year is that ,2020 is our year; our year of greatness, success, prosperity, joy, health, life and any good thing that comes with it. Whether they tell us out of good motive or not, I do not know. These are all good things and people want to hear good things. Someone said “Africans are notoriously religious people, ” and we’ll all see that on the eve of 2020 as our churches will be packed with people longing to hear what sayeth the Lord for 2020.
It is true that nothing got answered but that doesn’t mean that my year was miserable, it was a bitter sweet kind of year. Sometime in the year, I experienced pain and my heart was broken and I was a mess and I stumbled and I got disappointed, literally everything that was contrary to my prayers happened this year.
As the song says “in the crushing in the breaking, you are making new wine” this year has been one of getting perspective and getting things right with God. It has been an year of brokenness and mending, of pain and relief. It has been one of solitude, but in the solitude I could hear Him, without distractions. In the solitude He could mend my wounds without me telling Him that I was busy, I could really listen to Him without thinking that this word is for sister so or brother so, in the solitude I could see the depravity of mankind and that man in the absence of God has no limits when it comes to sin. My solitude showed me how far I had gone away from Him, professing faith and yet doing the contrary.
I realized that my plans for the year were filled with things to do and not disciplines to cultivate. The doing rather than being. My plans were filled with things I wanted the Lord to do for me and not what the Lord wanted done through me, and most importantly not what the Lord wanted to do with me in 2019. My prayer items were so much banked on my taking and never giving. It was banked on me speaking but never hearing, listening rather to the Lord.
As I continued looking at each of the prayer items I had brought before the Lord last year and crying, the cry stopped being that one of disappointment and unmet expectations but that one of Joy. It was my year after all, broken or not, it sure was mine, because I, unlike many who are dead today, lived, I lived, I fought, I fell, my heart ached, I cried,I hurt alright but I above all, lived. There was never once in the year 2019 that I felt the absence of God, maybe when there was sin consciousness and guilt and shame, even in these, there was that still small voice cheering. Even as I analysed my prayer items more keenly, I realized that He had answered, not in the way I would have wanted the answers to be. I had asked that His will be done and not mine.
So I agree with the preachers on one thing, that 2019 was my year, may be I tend to disagree with, how it was mine.
It is great to declare things in the new year, but it is even greater to let Jesus take the wheel in the year, that in as much as we have plans because the bible recommends it, let’s most importantly surrender to the Lord and allow Him edit where need be. Let us make room for Him to allure us.
Am so eagerly waiting for 2020 in the place of prayer, I have tons of prayer items too. I am surely writing them word by word, and most importantly I am leaving room for the Lord, that in 2020,I want it to be His year. Whether He answers all the prayer items or not, I will write them. Because 2020 again is my year y’all. Happy new year.