In your 20s you might find it easy to go to peoples weddings, ruracios and all the fun events and abandon going to mourn with those who are mourning.
Apart from adulting teaching you that you can’t miss work like you used to miss classes. Adulting has taught me that I can’t be nonchalant about death.
Recently, adulting has introduced me to the reality of death. Death of a loved one, or even my friends losing a loved one.
Adulting has also taught me that actually death implies that we will actually never see that person again, we will never have the conversations we used to have, we will never argue with them like we used. It has also taught me that:
Grief has no expiry… triggers might come 5 years later and you will cry
No one will understand you loss, ever, even if you have lost the same person. For instance if the children have lost the same mother or father…the loss is not the same and each child will experience it differently. Some may never be the same again and it is okay. Some will move on and they shouldn’t be made to feel bad, nor the former be made to feel like they’re weak.
Death has taught me that I am limited. I am feeble. I am human. What a helpless place to find yourself into?
The HOUSE OF MOURNING has taught me…
1. It is not well… Don’t tell someone who is mourning it is well. It will be well in the future but at that particular time. It is not well. Honour and validate their feelings of it not being well.
2. Misery loves company but please don’t try to relate your loss with the bereaved at that particular time. You may feel the urge to share with them your journey and it is okay, but at that particular time please don’t. At that time let it be about them. If you have nothing to say, it is okay, just be there because presence is everything.
3. The house of Mourning requires both Mary and Martha. Mary sits at the feet of the bereaved just to listen. Martha attends to the needs of the bereaved and serves them.
4. Men grieve too. So fellow men, you need to support your male friends when they are mourning. It is sad to see the woman having tens of women holding her and consoling her during burial but the guy anajikaza ki mwanaume ki soldier asiangushe gangster points.
5. The family is experiencing loss and needs support emotionally, financially, and all aspects.
6.Allow the bereaved to cry. Allow them to mourn. Allow them to scream. Allow them to feel and do not stop them.
7. Grief and loss does not end after the burial Please check up on the bereaved. Let them know that you are praying with them. Also if it is possible and you’re very close, don’t leave the bereaved all at once after the burial. If you can stay for just a day or two, you’ll be doing them alot of good.
8. When you promise to do something for the bereaved or fulfill something the deceased was to do, please keep your word because you are standing before God and men.
9. Andú nío Indo ( something about people being wealth). When you are alive, have a community. Attend people’s functions. Let it be known by “your people, or community” that you are a reliable friend to attend to their needs.
10. “Mathiko matiĩtanagĩrwo ( don’t except a burial invite so as to attend, It is not a wedding) na mũcumarĩ ( contribution) Waku no ginya. Don’t give an excuse that it was an emergency thus you didn’t give your contributions.
11. After all is said and done we will be left memories… Of the things we told them, things we didn’t tell them… Things we had promised to do for them. A call we missed and never called back. So as long as you can, treat someone as this is the last time you’re with them and the words you’re telling them are the last words you’re telling them _because it just might.
For anyone who is mourning or in a state of grief. May the Lord comfort you. May the Lord fill that gap.
I Corinthians 15:55 NKJV
[55] “O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?”
