Hey sis, how are you doing? Been thinking about love. You know, the love before the full maturity of the frontal lobe. The love that made you do crazy things and had your friends worrying that you might have been bewitched.
The one that made them wonder if your parents wasted school fees on you because the rate at which you were making stupid decisions made this government look wise.
You remember that love you gave a hundred and one chances and still had a way of messing things up. That one which sucked up your glow and brains. The one that made you keep explaining to your friends why he is the way he is and why he treats you like trash (I have seen ladies eating bread crumbs so often that I know what they look like). I don’t know why this is mostly the second person you date (hehe) third if your are counting the one immediately after high school.
The character development that this relationship gives you turns you into a philosopher ( a writer even) . Makes you start a community of fellow hurt women and an aromatherapy business of selling scented candles. It makes you become serious about your affirmations. It makes you lie to yourself that you can buy yourself flowers to compensate for the love you never got ( please don’t buy yourself flowers, it is weird) This relationship makes you realize your lost hobby of knitting. Oh sis ( and your aunties from your dad’s side have the audacity to say you’re not trying to leave the singles market?)
Can we also say that this is the relationship they had in mind when they wrote the part of a righteous man falling seven times and rising because the rate at which you say “can never be me” and still stay when it actually becomes “you” is faster than new marriage vows between UDA and ODM.
I know we paint that partner as the toxic one, but let’s be honest, it takes two to tangle. You must have been equally toxic. How do you explain to us that you took them back after all the horror stories you keep giving us ( you were DELULU as well sis). There must be some parts (strike that) there must be a huge chunk that you played to make the environment too comfortable for them to come back.
If there is one thing I am coming to realize about men, it is that they do not lie, at least not with their actions. On the other hand, we, women, lie. We lie for them, we see what we want to see. We over explain simple clear actions.
So back to the prefrontal lobe growth TOXIC LOVE.
- Have you taken responsibility for the part you played in giving that toxic relationship life?
- Have you forgiven yourself for accepting to eat breadcrumbs of poor quality time and zero affirmations?
- Have you forgiven yourself for allowing your love tank to run on empty for such a long time while you kept giving and overcompensating for their bad behavior?
- Have you gotten to a point where their phone number no longer trigger you?
- Do you still remember their phone number? ( well if you are good in maths, chances are you do, but not with the same fondness at least)
- Have gotten to a point where you do not have to block and unblock their phone numbers ever so often?
- When was the last time you stalked them on social media?
- When was the last time you dreamt of their GRANDIOS WEDDING (haha) and woke up gasping for air because you just couldn’t fathom?
- I hope you have found the courage to delete those photos because google has a way of taking you back (the audacity).
- Do you wish them well? (Honestly)
Love this toxic leaves you with names of your four babies (2 boys and 2 girls) without their father. It leaves you with the mansion, the color of the paint and curtains that will match the seats all in your head. It leaves you shattered and for a minute (a year) you have to run to your mother because it is only her love that can bring you back to life again. This kind takes away your alto voice only to leave you with soprano for months.
Most people say they can’t commit suicide for love. Most people know that it was once an option.
The Million Dollar Question
I know for years there is always that question, “if he came back today, will I still accept him?” and the answer has always been in the affirmative. The answer is like a no brainer, “of course I will take him back. Of course, one day he will realize that we are meant to be.”
Then one day, just out of the blues, the lingering question comes like it always has for years… “Will you still take him if he came back today?” and a resounding “NO” becomes the answer. And you are shocked because, how could you!! Why? … And the answer comes, “Time”.
The Beauty of Time
Time has given you perspective. Time has made you realize that you will never want to do life with him. Time has allowed you to finally not choose them. Time has made you understand that actions will always speak louder than words.
Time makes the pain of the first seven heartbreaks hurt less. Time makes you stop seeing him as the villain but just as a human being who didn’t know better. Time has made you love him (brotherly, I swear). Time has made you pray for him to become a better man ( not for you to get back together) for the next woman at least because no woman deserves such a broken man.
Finally, with time, you get to thank God ; Sincerely and honestly for the relationship not working. It has made you thank God for not answering those prayers you earnestly cried that He answers else you die ( God am sorry aki). It has made you appreciate Him for being wrong the many times you told your friends, “this time it’s different.”
Time has made you accept that he too, Your EX, is a soul that Christ died for. And that He too is a soul worth dying for if he hasn’t met Christ.
If you haven’t gotten there, I pray you do. It is a peaceful place to be.
PS. Happy International Women’s Day
